feel the pain 07/31/2008 Europe/London +0100 BST

I feel your pain. I'm still extremely self-conscious about myself, and I'm very hesitant to venture out in public in anything shorter than capris (shorts are a no-no), but my relationship with my fiance has been much better. For almost seven months, I wouldn't let him undress me, and I'd always keep at least a shirt on, and we'd always make love in the dark, but finally I worked up the courage and one day, out of nowhere, I stripped naked in front of him. Ever since we take showers together, sleep together naked, and I can walk around in front of him naked without being *too* self-conscious.

Like you, I know I'm big (more than chubby), but what matters to me is that my fiance accepts and loves me for who I am, and I know he likes how I look.

Another gf? 07/24/2008 Europe/London +0100 BST

I agree with you completely. If my boyfriend wanted to take another female
friend out, I feel that I should be there, too and that her and him and I and
anyone else could all go out as a group. To me, jealousy can be felt by anyone
in a relationship no matter how secure that person is. Just the thought of my
boyfriend wanting to take another female friend out to dinner or a movie would
make me shudder now, even though I know how committed he is to me. He would
probably never consider it anyway, unless she was a colleague of some sort,
which is bound to happen in the near future. In two years, we will both be
college grads with colleagues of the opposite sexes in which our job may require
lunches and meetings with those people. But I still think an outside work kind
of thing would still make me very jealous. My boyfriend did in fact have a
female friend when he lived in New Orleans for two years, 1500 miles away from
me. I only met her once, the very first time he took me down there to meet his
family after he moved back to Massachusetts. She was the biggest bitch I have
ever met in my life. I guess some of my boyfriend's other friends felt that she
had a crush on him at one time and was devastated to see him with me. Therefore
she chose to put me down when we all went out to dinner every chance she got. It
got so bad that my boyfriend and I eventually left the restaurant, and he
doesn't talk to her anymore. So it goes both ways I guess.

BDSM group?? a start 07/17/2008 Europe/London +0100 BST

I can see it's time to swallow my natural contentiousness and get back onto a bdsm e-list or three.

Ironically, bdsm groups WERE my very first "lists" back in the late 80s, when they weren't lists at all but "usenet newgroups." But at that point I'd logged almost a decade "in the scene" IRL, and what the newsgroups offered -- increasingly contentious bickering among lifestylers over issues of personal philosophy (sound familiar? ;)) and increasingly inane threads dominated by newbies who felt that an online fantasy bdsm existence somehow made them expert at The Real Thing (sound familiar??? ;):):)) -- induced me to drop out of these groups in thinly veiled disgust after a couple of years.

Chosen Family who remain active in the scene both online and IRL tell me that this state of affairs has only worsened. When lifestylers delurk at all, it's only to draw blood. The online bdsm world is now pretty well dominated (no puns intended) by a culture which didn't even used to EXIST: People whose entire bdsm experience has been online ONLY, who actually form (to them) Deadly Serious (and sometimes punitively exclusive) relationships online, who even in casual online conversation with those to whom they are not Partnered or even have a Play Family connection with, insist on a (to me) ludicrous degree of ceremony/formality previously unheard-of except among IRL lifestyle Goreans (a very small subdemographic indeed!).

But I suppose if I'm going to recover any degree of objectivity in this, it's time to haul my protesting ass back to the newsgroups, or the e-lists, or whatever they are these days. This Dominion group you mention, Jeff, how do you know of it? Is it any good? And why am I not finding it by name at Yahoogroups, or under a seach for the word "Dominion" itself (which only turns up lists devoted to the Star Trek:Deep Space Nine alient entity of the same title)? Come to think of it, does ANYBODY here (gina?) know of an e-list in this area that wouldn't throw me out in five minutes flat for sheer orneriness? ;)

a full-bodied woman, the result of my disability 06/13/2008 Europe/London +0100 BST

Ummmmmm, please forgive my characteristic bluntness, but I'm looking ahead here with great trepidation to my own future:

Do you ladies mean you're fat? It's a perfectly good word, claim it if you own it...

So far, I've LOST weight (about time, too) following my own recently-acquired disability -- 45 lbs down since The Incident in October '00, 10-15 more to go. As of right this minute I am failing to see why just about any physical disability short of quadriplegia is in and of itself sufficient reason not to take care of your body (gaining or retaining large amounts of weight) such that it remains at least marginally attractive to potential mates. I know my own injury occasioned a total recommitment to physical fitness that I have not manifested for upwards of 15 years -- I now do formal Occupational Therapy at the flagship Sportsmedicine Center of an internatioanlly-renowned teaching hospital 2-3 days/week (finally down from 5x! yay!), and on my off-days spend four hours MINIMUM per day, usually more like six (spread out throughout the day), on the comprehensive reconditioning program mandated by my rehab team -- because I know the injury itself and all the scarring and external-fixation gear that came with are a powerful aesthetic squick to all but the kinkiest individuals, so clearly it's incumbent upon me to compensate by boosting my physical attractiveness in every OTHER way I possibly can! Lord knows I was no Kate Moss to begin with...sigh...

On the other hand, as far as being crippled for a lifetime goes, I'm a real newbie. I know I have many adjustments ahead, and the better view i can get of what's coming down the road, the more prepared I will be at least psychologically. So if my disability is GONNA leave me looking like a whale sooner or later -- despite my own best efforts and those of my rehab team -- I'd really like to get braced for that eventuality NOW, as this would require some very large (no puns intended) attitude adjustments in my life...how on earth does one live with losing not only one's strength, but whatever remains of one's looks by one's 40s (not much, but still...!) right along with????

Again, NO slights are intended to any persons here or elsewhere; I am honestly seeking information directly related to my own personal situation.

Online love? Will it work... 06/07/2008 Europe/London +0100 BST

About 5 months ago I started talking to this man online. I shouldn't have but, I did. You see, he is married with a small child. And he told me this from the beginning. But, he lived 22 hours away from me and we were just talking online so, I figured no harm could come of it. We discovered that we had so much in common. We could talk about anything and everything. And we did. For hours at a time. Then he asked me to call him. Which I did. And we started talking on the phone every day. For hours a day. And I know that some of you will probably find this strange but, I started falling for him. And I fell hard. I told myself and him several times that we shouldn't talk anymore. But, I never told him how I felt. He would tell me that he loved talking to me. That it was so nice to have someone to talk to when he came home. To please not say goodbye. So I didn't. Even though I knew I was setting myself up for heartbreak. Then he told me that he had fallen in love with me. And that the only reason he was still in the marriage was his son. That after the holidays, he was going to leave and he wanted me to come see him. As the weeks progressed, it changed to wanting me to move there. We talked about the future. He told me how he was going to give me everything I had dreamed of. A family, love, security. That I was his soul mate. But, I told him that I didn't want any regrets if we were together. I asked him to give an honest effort into fixing his marriage. That if this happened between us, I wanted him to know for sure that what he had with her was over. He promised me that he would. I also told him that I didn't think we should be in contact while he was doing this. And he flat refused. He said that the only thing that got him through the day, the only reason he wanted to come home at the end of the day was so he could talk to me. That he couldn't not talk to me. And I gave in. I know, dumb move. So, we continued to talk while he was supposedly working on "fixing" his marriage. The holidays passed and he told me that nothing had changed. That he still wanted to be with me. That it just wasn't there between them anymore. That next to his son, I was the most important thing in his life. And we went back to planning this life we were going to have together. This past Friday morning, he got ready to leave for work (she leaves before he does in the morning) and stuck to the refrigerator was a piece of paper with my home and cell phone numbers on it. It seems she figured out the password to his email account and read everything he had saved that I sent him. That night, he moved out. He was very emotional when he called me. He said that he knew it was over but, that it was hard to accept. He felt like he had failed. And he was terrified that he wouldn't get to see his son. Those are rational fears. I accepted that. He was still telling me that he was going to be with me. He even begged me to fly there. The next day, he called, very emotional again. Told me that he had just been over there and talked to her and they had both agreed that it was over and he asked me when I wanted to start our life together. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to jump from one relationship to another. That I thought that he needed time to sort things out on his own. And that since she knew about me, I really didn't think I needed to be around until the divorce was final. But, he wouldn't relent. He was so adament that atleast I come visit. He had to see me. And I wanted that more than anything. So, I got online and started looking at flights for this next weekend. I could tell he was getting tired. He hadn't slept in a couple of days. So, I told him to try to get some sleep and we would talk about flight arrangements in the morning. The next day I didn't hear from him all day. Finally, that evening I called his cell phone and it was shut off. I knew in my heart that he had gone back. I left him a message telling him that I couldn't do this anymore. That I had to say goodbye. About an hour later I caved and called back and told him to please call me in the morning. And he did. And he told me that he took my advice, that he was giving it one more try. That he wasn't going to contact me for awhile. That he owed it to her and their son, and to me to see if it was really over. Then he told me that no matter what, he thought we could still be friends when this was all settled. Whether he stayed with her or not. Then he acted like I was wrong for having a problem with that. After all, giving it another shot was my idea. I ended up hanging up on him. Now, I am sitting here, missing him like crazy. Praying that he will call and say that it won't work and he wants to be with me.

Hair and breast size 05/21/2008 Europe/London +0100 BST

Funny, about as hard as it is for guys to not belive hair isn't important, it's hard for me to believe breast size isn't important.... guess I wanted to be somewhat bigger. The guy I was seeing < or is that Funny, about as hard as it is for guys to not belive hair isn't important, it's hard for me to believe breast size isn't important.... guess I wanted to be somewhat bigger. The guy I was seeing < or is that still seeing????> was so worried about his hair loss< not the male baldness thing so at some point it will come back> that he shaved his head. This is the only way I have known him and I really like the look. I told him that I thought he should keep it even after his hair grew back. Guess it's kinda sad how much importance our society places on outward appearence.still seeing????> was so worried about his hair loss< not the male baldness thing so at some point it will come back> that he shaved his head. This is the only way I have known him and I really like the look. I told him that I thought he should keep it even after his hair grew back. Guess it's kinda sad how much importance our society places on outward appearence.